Friday, November 8, 2013

Put A Tampon In It

There I was, sitting in the live audience of The Voice, waiting for my favorite judges to make their appearance on the stage, screaming like a school girl, when the band cuts in for their first song and I grimace like an 80 year old man who just saw a group of kids walk onto his grass. I could NOT believe how frickin' looooouuuud it was. All I could think, "There is NO way I can sit through 2 hours of this."

It was one of those moments: grin and bear it or dig out what I hoped was in my purse and shove it in my ear....on national TV. 

I say "one of those moments" as if I frequently put feminine products in my ear! 

I immediately started doing a mental assessment of what was in my purse: 

Snickers, peanut butter crackers, Reese's Cup*, lipstick, shot glass from bachelorette party, oh wait no, I took that out, what else, what else...passport, sunglasses, tampon? No. PANTY LINER!!! Oh please, oh please, oh please say I have one.....

I casually lean over to get my purse, unzip it, smile at my new bestie sitting next to me, dig through my purse like my life depends on it, nonchalantly, of course, I don't want the cameras to catch.

Where was I? Oh yeah! Panty liner. I don't want to draw attention to my search so I slip out my lipstick, paint my lips, smile at my new bestie again, put the lipstick back but this time in the side pocket where I hooooooope that life saving panty liner is. 

YES!!! It's there! OK, now what? How am I going to get this into my ear?

Who knew the plastic on such a small product could be so strong?? The damn thing wouldn't tear. It kept sticking to my fingers. The more I pulled, the more it stretched. The more it stretched, the more it stuck to my fingers.  OMG!!!! 

And then....VICTORY!!  In my fingers was a little patch of cotton. Ok, stuck ON my fingers was a little patch of cotton. Now to roll this shit up and get it into my ear 1) without anyone seeing and 2) without getting it stuck in my hair. 

Did I mention the cameras were rolling for a LIVE taping on n-a-t-i-o-n-a-l TV?  Talk about the ultimate FML moment.

Let me just say, it's the little accomplishments in life that make me smile. I got that little bugger in my ear and enjoyed the rest of show like any 36-year-old, giggly, Adam Levine fan would.  

This will be one of the stories I tell my little diva daughter when she learns about the appropriate use of them.  

She needs to know that it's ok to laugh at yourself. 

It's ok to be creative.

It's ok to step outside of the box and do whatever it takes to bring happiness to her life and the lives of those she's surrounded by.

Tuesday, my happiness was found in a panty liner. Well, and Adam Levine.  

Have you ever had to use a feminine product in an, shall we say, unconventional manner?  Tell me about it!!




*I don't normally carry around a purse full of sugar. I attempted to rid my kids Halloween stash and brought it for me and my new bestie. Too bad he didn't want any.